We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
