her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
