Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you had me at cake vodka
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
