I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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