I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
