I have demons in me.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
