he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
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Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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