just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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