He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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