I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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