Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
