I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
