Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
My feet surprised me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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