He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
