I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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