porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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