I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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