He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
