I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
