what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
