It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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