You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He passed out mid-signature
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
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He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
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They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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