as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
