someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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