hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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