my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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