dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
