We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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