Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
