You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
