Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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