the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
We just shotgunned beers for America
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize