is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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