I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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