If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
do herpes really smell.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
