My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
