I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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