you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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