dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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