Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I lost the right to judge tonight
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
