I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
