The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
