I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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