you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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