I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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