Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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