This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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