Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
