Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Randomize
