I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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