had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She swung at the pinata with crutches
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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