I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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