how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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