it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
