Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
