I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
