Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
