Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
