woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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