I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
