its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
