I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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