I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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